It’s funny how I’m never depressed and anxious at the same time. I’m either very depressed, or I’m very anxious. Never both. I guess I should be happy about this. The reason I’m not is that I suspect that I’m both depressed and anxious at all times, and I’m only feeling the one that has flared up. I don’t know if I’m making sense.
I started taking a new medication that’s supposed to help with side effects of the medicine I’m taking for depression, and I think it’s helping. I’m going to knock on wood. I told my wife last night that I was just feeling a bit bummed out. I wasn’t complaining. I was happy about it. The anxiety has been so bad lately. Today has been an okay day, and yesterday was an okay day (especially for a Monday).
I’ve already spent too much money on Christmas gifts. Retail therapy is real, guys. Even if it’s not buying things for yourself. Maybe especially if you’re not buying things for yourself. I must digress, though, because I have slipped up a few times and purchased something for myself. I bought an 4K Blu-ray player, which was expensive, but also something I’ve wanted for a long time. I said I was just going to kill two birds with one stone and buy a PS5, but it’ll be literal years before the supply equals the demand for them. In the meantime, my PS4 is working just fine. I need a better TV, but I’m in no hurry. It’ll come when it’s supposed to.
I’m rambling, so that’s probably a good sign that I need to sign off. Y’all be good.
It’s just a bad feeling that won’t go away. It’s the fear that something bad is about to happen. It’s hours spent imagining all of the bad things that could happen. It’s the waiting. The assurance that nothing will go right. The dishwasher will break. The washer or dryer will need replacing. The car will malfunction. It. Just. Never. Stops.
Anxiety, man. I thought I was dealing with depression, and maybe I was to some degree, but it’s this anxiety that is crippling. It is ruining my life. I hope that something useful comes back from the tests I had blood drawn for last week. Something helpful.
I’m still hopeful, for some reason. I think what bugs me the most is the obvious knowledge that I have no reason to feel the way I do. I have no reason to be this afraid of life. Absolutely no reason. I’m blessed beyond measure. I have a beautiful family, a roof over our heads, two dependable vehicles, and a full-time job. I should be enjoying these blessings, but all I can think about is losing them.
I hate this so much. I really do.
That’s all for today. Hopefully I’ll have something better to write about next time.
I keep telling myself that I need to write more. Maybe I do. I lost my voice somewhere along the way, and I haven’t been very successful in finding it. There are glimpses, sure, but nothing that lasts. It’s this depression and this anxiety that have a firm grip on me right now. Right now, in this moment, I’m okay. I feel as okay as I have all week. I can still feel the anxiety tugging at my mind, but I’m not wallowing in it like I sometimes do. The depression steals. It’s a thief. It takes your joy. It takes your passion. It takes your desires to create. It simply steals all of those things, and it replaces them with nothing. You’re left with this huge gap in how you’ve functioned for years, and you try to fill it with what used to go there, and nothing fits it anymore. You use the same goddamn pieces, and nothing fits. I wish it wasn’t like this, and I wish I knew what to do to turn it around, but maybe time is the answer. Something triggered me a few weeks ago, and I’ve been having trouble ever since. Maybe the further from that moment I can get, the better I’ll be able to manage my emotions. Maybe. I should probably be using paragraphs, but nobody’s going to read this anyway. I had a good checkup at the doctor yesterday, so that’s one good thing. It’s funny. I started the month determined to focus on gratefulness. I decided to share a thing I’m thankful for every day of the month. I lasted like four days. I mean, sure, there are things that I’m grateful for, but this depression and this anxiety can rob you of even that. It can rob you of your ability to simply be thankful.
Friends, I’m probably being dramatic here, but I feel the way I feel, and I’m weary. The daily grind can be exhausting. The same mornings. The same workdays. The same ev…
I had to stop writing earlier due to some sudden work I had to get done. It’s been a few hours. I feel okay. I think typing all of that out helped. I told my wife earlier that I feel as okay today as I’ve felt at any point in the last week. I don’t know why, but I believe things will get better. I always have. Hopefully I always will. That’s enough for me today.
I don’t have a lot to say, but I wanted to jump on here and unload a few things. Nothing dramatic. I just don’t have a lot of outlets right now. Well, it’s not that I don’t have them at my disposal; it’s just that I’m not making much use of them.
I’ve been feeling very drained and burnt out, and I think it’s just the combination of school starting back + eating healthier. I have spent my whole life running to food emotionally. Good emotions, eat. Bad emotions, eat. Whatever the reason, I’ve found relief, at least for a moment, in eating. I’m not eating as much these days, especially not snacking, and I feel like I haven’t found a replacement for it. I don’t know where to go to process my feelings, either good or bad. I get out of bed a little after 5, I take a shower, wake my wife up, fix breakfast, we wake up the kids, we get them ready, I take them to school, and I go to work. Work is fine. Very slow lately. I wouldn’t say it’s been a drain on my psyche. I pick them up, we do homework, we eat dinner, and we get ready for bed. By the time they go to bed around 8, I’m drained, and all I want to do is go to bed. But I don’t really want to go to bed. I just have zero mental energy left.
I’m just venting. I don’t know what to replace food with. I don’t know why I’m zonked out so early every evening. It’s confusing and frustrating. I also don’t feel like these mental health medications are doing very much. Jesus, if they are, I am supremely messed up. I should probably hit my doctor up and tell her, but every time I talk to her I gaslight myself into believing I’m just not meeting my meds halfway, but maybe I am. I’m eating better. My body is healthier. I just don’t understand why that improved health isn’t making its way into my brain. Maybe I’m still in that fog that hits when you make big changes to your diet. Let’s say it’s just that.
Thanks for reading. If you have any ideas, shoot them my way. I’m no expert. At anything.
FEATURE IMAGE: Photo by Cris Saur on Unsplash
I’ve been thinking about it, and the cold, hard truth is that I’m really not a writer at heart. There was a time when writing for me was like breathing, but that time has passed. I think it’s probably healthy for me to jump on here and write journal-style, but to lay out an essay is just not in my wheelhouse anymore. It’s a bit disappointing, but sometimes I think you have to lay things down, and see where your heart has drifted to. Into new passions. Into new hobbies. Things change, and I’m just not the same person I was a few years ago. I’m not upset about that, but I think what writing gave me (for a season) was a community. I felt like I belonged, which is something I haven’t felt since then. I’m rambling. All of that to say that the Jason Weekly, weekly-column exercise has been canceled.
I am, for the 695th time (this year), trying to eat healthier. I’m just going to do my best to eliminate bad carbs (bread, chips, desserts, etc.). I’ll eat meat and dairy products and green veggies. I’ve felt scrambled mentally, and I think eating better will help that. As I’ve seen it said before, you’ve got to meet your anti-depressants halfway.
I had a (probably mild) panic attack last night. Just sensory overload. I went to bed before 8PM, and I’ll be honest: I feel pretty good this morning. I got up, cooked breakfast, drank some coffee, got the kids up for school, got them there, and made it to work. My wife helped, of course, but still. I’ve had worse mornings lately, where I sort of slink my way through things. It felt good to wake up in a more assertive mood. Not eating poorly yesterday no doubt contributed to that. 10 hours of sleep didn’t hurt. We’ll see. I can’t go to bed that early every night. Homework is back on the agenda, unfortunately. Time will tell.
I’ll try to write things like this going forward. Nothing profound. Just getting thoughts out. Thanks for reading. It’s okay if you don’t. Thanks for caring, though.