I don’t have a lot to say, but I wanted to jump on here and unload a few things. Nothing dramatic. I just don’t have a lot of outlets right now. Well, it’s not that I don’t have them at my disposal; it’s just that I’m not making much use of them.
I’ve been feeling very drained and burnt out, and I think it’s just the combination of school starting back + eating healthier. I have spent my whole life running to food emotionally. Good emotions, eat. Bad emotions, eat. Whatever the reason, I’ve found relief, at least for a moment, in eating. I’m not eating as much these days, especially not snacking, and I feel like I haven’t found a replacement for it. I don’t know where to go to process my feelings, either good or bad. I get out of bed a little after 5, I take a shower, wake my wife up, fix breakfast, we wake up the kids, we get them ready, I take them to school, and I go to work. Work is fine. Very slow lately. I wouldn’t say it’s been a drain on my psyche. I pick them up, we do homework, we eat dinner, and we get ready for bed. By the time they go to bed around 8, I’m drained, and all I want to do is go to bed. But I don’t really want to go to bed. I just have zero mental energy left.
I’m just venting. I don’t know what to replace food with. I don’t know why I’m zonked out so early every evening. It’s confusing and frustrating. I also don’t feel like these mental health medications are doing very much. Jesus, if they are, I am supremely messed up. I should probably hit my doctor up and tell her, but every time I talk to her I gaslight myself into believing I’m just not meeting my meds halfway, but maybe I am. I’m eating better. My body is healthier. I just don’t understand why that improved health isn’t making its way into my brain. Maybe I’m still in that fog that hits when you make big changes to your diet. Let’s say it’s just that.
Thanks for reading. If you have any ideas, shoot them my way. I’m no expert. At anything.
FEATURE IMAGE: Photo by Cris Saur on Unsplash
I’ve been thinking about it, and the cold, hard truth is that I’m really not a writer at heart. There was a time when writing for me was like breathing, but that time has passed. I think it’s probably healthy for me to jump on here and write journal-style, but to lay out an essay is just not in my wheelhouse anymore. It’s a bit disappointing, but sometimes I think you have to lay things down, and see where your heart has drifted to. Into new passions. Into new hobbies. Things change, and I’m just not the same person I was a few years ago. I’m not upset about that, but I think what writing gave me (for a season) was a community. I felt like I belonged, which is something I haven’t felt since then. I’m rambling. All of that to say that the Jason Weekly, weekly-column exercise has been canceled.
I am, for the 695th time (this year), trying to eat healthier. I’m just going to do my best to eliminate bad carbs (bread, chips, desserts, etc.). I’ll eat meat and dairy products and green veggies. I’ve felt scrambled mentally, and I think eating better will help that. As I’ve seen it said before, you’ve got to meet your anti-depressants halfway.
I had a (probably mild) panic attack last night. Just sensory overload. I went to bed before 8PM, and I’ll be honest: I feel pretty good this morning. I got up, cooked breakfast, drank some coffee, got the kids up for school, got them there, and made it to work. My wife helped, of course, but still. I’ve had worse mornings lately, where I sort of slink my way through things. It felt good to wake up in a more assertive mood. Not eating poorly yesterday no doubt contributed to that. 10 hours of sleep didn’t hurt. We’ll see. I can’t go to bed that early every night. Homework is back on the agenda, unfortunately. Time will tell.
I’ll try to write things like this going forward. Nothing profound. Just getting thoughts out. Thanks for reading. It’s okay if you don’t. Thanks for caring, though.