11.23.2020

It’s just a bad feeling that won’t go away. It’s the fear that something bad is about to happen. It’s hours spent imagining all of the bad things that could happen. It’s the waiting. The assurance that nothing will go right. The dishwasher will break. The washer or dryer will need replacing. The car will malfunction. It. Just. Never. Stops.

Anxiety, man. I thought I was dealing with depression, and maybe I was to some degree, but it’s this anxiety that is crippling. It is ruining my life. I hope that something useful comes back from the tests I had blood drawn for last week. Something helpful.

I’m still hopeful, for some reason. I think what bugs me the most is the obvious knowledge that I have no reason to feel the way I do. I have no reason to be this afraid of life. Absolutely no reason. I’m blessed beyond measure. I have a beautiful family, a roof over our heads, two dependable vehicles, and a full-time job. I should be enjoying these blessings, but all I can think about is losing them.

I hate this so much. I really do.

That’s all for today. Hopefully I’ll have something better to write about next time.

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