11.19.2020

I keep telling myself that I need to write more. Maybe I do. I lost my voice somewhere along the way, and I haven’t been very successful in finding it. There are glimpses, sure, but nothing that lasts. It’s this depression and this anxiety that have a firm grip on me right now. Right now, in this moment, I’m okay. I feel as okay as I have all week. I can still feel the anxiety tugging at my mind, but I’m not wallowing in it like I sometimes do. The depression steals. It’s a thief. It takes your joy. It takes your passion. It takes your desires to create. It simply steals all of those things, and it replaces them with nothing. You’re left with this huge gap in how you’ve functioned for years, and you try to fill it with what used to go there, and nothing fits it anymore. You use the same goddamn pieces, and nothing fits. I wish it wasn’t like this, and I wish I knew what to do to turn it around, but maybe time is the answer. Something triggered me a few weeks ago, and I’ve been having trouble ever since. Maybe the further from that moment I can get, the better I’ll be able to manage my emotions. Maybe. I should probably be using paragraphs, but nobody’s going to read this anyway. I had a good checkup at the doctor yesterday, so that’s one good thing. It’s funny. I started the month determined to focus on gratefulness. I decided to share a thing I’m thankful for every day of the month. I lasted like four days. I mean, sure, there are things that I’m grateful for, but this depression and this anxiety can rob you of even that. It can rob you of your ability to simply be thankful.

Friends, I’m probably being dramatic here, but I feel the way I feel, and I’m weary. The daily grind can be exhausting. The same mornings. The same workdays. The same ev…

I had to stop writing earlier due to some sudden work I had to get done. It’s been a few hours. I feel okay. I think typing all of that out helped. I told my wife earlier that I feel as okay today as I’ve felt at any point in the last week. I don’t know why, but I believe things will get better. I always have. Hopefully I always will. That’s enough for me today.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s