I want to be an enthusiast.
Actually, I just want the high. It’s like a drug. Losing oneself in something. It could be something random or seemingly inconsequential. You’re living your life, doing all of the things that must be done (eat, work, pay the bills, etc.), but then there’s that time when you get to do that special thing that you actually love. I don’t feel like I have that.
I take medicine to help me feel better, or at least process life a little easier, and maybe they work. I’m not convinced. I mean, sometimes I’m absolutely positive that they work, but other times I feel like I’m not even a person. Like, in easing my mind, the medicine has deadened it. Maybe I’m just throwing blame around to make myself feel better. I’m eternally optimistic at heart, so I always like to imagine that if I just change this or change that, everything will come together.
I think I’m creatively lonely.
I feel like maybe it’s easier to be enthusiastic about a thing when you’re not the only person who’s enthusiastic about said thing. I feel like I’ve overshared in my life to the point that no one cares what I have to say anymore. You can’t take that back, and starting a new weekly blog isn’t going to move the dial any.
I am just stuck in a hard place between really wanting to share the experience of a creative life with people and being too self-conscious to actually do it. Often I feel like I’ve already taken my shot, and this is just what I’m left with. I’m a blessed man living a blessed life, but I’m also sad, and I want more, but I’m too scared to take any kind of leap. I can’t afford to. I tried that last year, and it blew up in my face. I don’t know.
I should probably keep taking the medicine.